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2005-11-04 - 3:23 a.m. - the breakthrough trying to stay awake because i have a cab coming at 5am to take me to the airport. it's been our longest time apart so far. thank goodness for all that's been going on in my daily life, or else i might have gone crazy by now. still scared to say too much or jinx it, but the other day i was looking at my life and realized that nothing was missing. oh my god, im happy again. ive been struggling for the last three years to figure out why i wasnt completely happy. i had decided that no one is ever happy except in retrospect. ive spent hours discussing whether happiness in the "now" can actually exist -- because all i could remember was that summer of 2002 when i was so happy with everything in my life. and it's not that i havent been happy about certain things in my life throughout the last three years... but it was always that one thing cancelled out the other: if i was happy in my work, i was unhappy in my love life. if i was happy in my love life, i was fighting with friends or family. if i was having a great time with my friends, i was depressed about my career path. and so on and so forth, until i finally decided that feeling happy with my life as a whole was simply not possible. but now here i am: in an effortlessly amazing relationship with someone i look up to; new career moves that are actually aligned with my values, where i get to work with intelligent people whom i can respect; enough money to pay my bills, eat, and afford little luxuries i used to only dream about; a safe, adorable apartment and new car; the most beautiful place on earth: california; a loving, supportive, incredible family; perfect health -- ...happiness. so i will spend the next 5 days with him, in celebration of finally achieving that thing ive been working so hard to regain for what has felt like forever. |