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2005-02-21 - 1:10 a.m. - am i? yes, watching "sex and the city" every single night for the past week in the dark, stuffy living room of my friends wyatt and evan's house, eating popcorn, pizza, cookies, chocolate, and smoking way too many cigarettes is probably not the best use of my time, energy, or mind... but i needed it. a lot has happened in my life over the last couple of months. it's bordering on too much. when it rains it really does pour, in my world. moving into my first solo apartment in LA, reaching the end of the longest and most important relationship of my life, taking on more responsibilities in my job than i ever imagined i could handle, experiencing the death of a loved one and the near-death of another... the list goes on and the extravagance of the items gets smaller and smaller but the weight of it all is really starting to take its toll. i once had a shrink tell me that i was "borderline manic depressive" but that i had somehow figured out how to control it, and live with it. i think that was the last time i went to see her. she knew i didnt want to take drugs and i had pretty much worked everything out. so if manic depressiveness is all about being as high as you are low, how come i havent been on anything but the low for such a long time? it's like ive settled into the low, and now there are highs within the low, but there is never, truly, a high. ive gone through periods of real depression (the chemical kind, not the pop culture kind) but i thought i had put that all behind me. now im starting to wonder. i dont enjoy anything anymore, and i havent for a very. long. time. |