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2005-01-06 - 10:21 p.m. - i dunno, i mean im still working on it, but it's my latest theory... i think it's about letting go of the past. i think we try too hard to recreate a time in our lives when we were really, truly happy. instead of creating new situations for ourselves in which we are happy. it's easier to say "well the last time i was really happy was..." and then tell ourselves that all we have to do is figure out how to recreate the same setting (in a relationship, single, working, jobless, geography, etc), we'll be happy again. for me, the last time i was truly happy was the summer of 2002 when i was out on my first self-booked tour with my band. ive never been happier, before or since. and so now when i think about what would make me truly happy, i keep living in the past. but the fact is, i didnt know, then, that i was entering a situation that would make me so elated. i had no way of knowing and i wasnt planning for it. i was young so i didnt have anything prior to that to try to recreate. i was still creating. and now, instead of focusing on creating, i get caught focusing on the past, and agonizing over the fear that i will never be as happy as i was in the summer of 2002. so i keep telling myself if i could only line up the things in my life to match what they were then, i'll be happy again. but it's not about that. it's about letting go of youth, of the times in our past when we were happy, and only looking forward. only thinking about ourselves now, and what we love and want now. only by focusing on the present, and the future, will we be able to create and generate better and more happier situations. it's about allowing yourself to change. |