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2004-12-25 - 9:29 p.m. - theyre tearing up streets again christmas again. tonight i'll meet up with my old high school friends at a bar close to my house. we'll talk about our lives and stop talking just before we really get into any kind of deep conversation. i'll feel like theyre all mad at me for being the only one who got out. i'll feel the desire to be mad at them for not leaving yet. i'll come home smelling of smoke and andy will tell me my friends arent as great as his friends--the friends he's had for just as long as ive had mine. i'll tell him to shut up and then think about it, and about how i am disappointed in my friends for not yet trying to become who they have the potential to be. we used to talk about how we'd take over the world together. and now i get the weird looks. in a few days i'll fly back to my new life. i want 2005 to be the year i get back in touch with music, like i used to be, when it was all tied in with my heart and the things i felt or wanted to feel. music seems far away, and it takes a lot to get to me these days. i want to stop being afraid of what might come out when i pick up a guitar or put my fingers on the keys of a piano. i want 2005 to tear down the walls ive been building up to protect the part of me that feels enough to be moved by music. i dont know where that part of me is hiding but im starting to really, really miss it. |